Happy Birthday

This isn't going to be a long post.  I just don't have it in me.  As I have thought about how to honor your memory, words escape me.  While you are not here....you are in my every thought....

Happy Birthday, my friend.  I love you.

Merry Christmas?

It's late.  My family has gone to bed and I sit here, reflecting on the day, the year, and all that has come to pass.  It has been a tough couple of months.  The days ahead are going to bring it all back.  I knew that.  I know this.  The weekends are always the hardest.  The frantic pace of day to day life eases and there are times allowed for thoughts and feeling to grow like weeds through a crack.

I love my family but we are re-hashers.  We talk, a lot.  We go over things again and again as a way to make sense, to understand, to bring things into the light from other perspectives.  That being said, I had anticipated being with family, talking about the pain, giving voice to what remains unsaid during day to day life, was going to be another hurdle, another challenge, a day of truly just going through the motions to come out on the other side..hopefully still standing.  Well, I am here.  I survived. 

Tomorrow will be another day filled with reminders of what has been lost.  Hopefully, it will also bring a renewed hope that we will get through this together.  Life is for the living.


Merry Christmas, my friend.  I love you.     

Today

                    

Today was brutal.  Don't get me wrong, there have been many days that have brought me to my knees, but today....wow.  Today closes a door that should have never been opened.  We went through all of the things left from your life.  Decorations, albums, photos, memorabilia...


Again...I can't.  The words just aren't there.

Most days I get through without this devastating sense of loss.  Most days I try to push it away; to not wallow in the grief of it all.  Most days, I guess, I try to live in denial.  It's what's been getting me through.  Most days are so hectic that there is no time to stop and reflect on anything.

Today was different.  While there is some sense of closure... this, in some ways, was indeed the final act.  The material things have all been gone through; we have chosen what we think your daughter will cherish in the future, and decided what needs to go where.  It is done, but for a small part, it is over.  Honestly, it has shredded me, yet again. 

You left behind an amazing legacy...  One that answers some of the questions your daughter may have in the future:  A baby book that has been entirely filled out, scrapbooks that document the love you had for your daughter's father, your life in pictures and written word that only you could convey.  It's all there.

While tragic, thank God it is there.  It is all that is left.

It was hard, some of the choices we made.  Who's to say that what has been saved is "enough" or "too much"?  We can't bring you back, nor should we create a shrine in your honor.  Your possessions do not define the person that you were, yet it's all we have.  My hope is that your daughter will find joy in what we have valued for her and not burdened by the memories we have saved.  There is no handbook for this one.  

I love and miss you, my friend, still...and more than you would ever believe possible.

Tired and Mad

 

Today... well, I got through it.  It is irrational, this anger.  This hatred.  This... I am pissed off at the world.  I hate facebook.  That is my focus right now.  I hate seeing "him", the would have been ex husband, playing the grieving widower.  Who is he?  He is no one.  No one I want to be associated with, no one I want to talk to ever again, certainly no one who should be grieving this loss like he has lost everything.  Everything was already gone.  He did not have her anymore, and he knew it.  He pushed her away, said awful, hurtful things, pushed and pushed until she finally broke and then, when he saw that she was lost to him, he wanted it all back.  He is the reason she was there.. in the road...  irrational, I know.  She could have been there for any reason...a run, walking the dog... but that is not what happened.  Ultimately, he wanted her to go for a walk, "to talk".  And now... she is gone.  To all of us.

Seeing his posts...the love fest that follows with every picture he posts... "you were soul mates", "don't give up, she would have wanted you to be strong", "love you, hang on, you can get through this"... makes me want to SCREAM.  I am going to refuse to hate him.  I am angry...that is different than hate.  Right?  I don't want him to have that power over my life.  I want him to go away, leave me and my family alone.  We know the farce, the insincerity of it all.  It is an act.  Said in simple terms...go, just go.

It is swallowing me whole tonight.  I can't reason it out.  It is senseless and still seems so surreal.  I have to keep reminding myself that she really is gone.  How is it possible?  thirty-five years old, a life time of happiness ahead, a daughter to raise, so much to live for... just gone.  I still "can't".  I'm not there yet. 


I love you my friend, but you have left behind a terrible mess.    

Silence

I think the silence is the hardest part right now.  It takes my breath away when I go to call you or think to myself “I have to tell Kerri this/that”.  I can be surrounded by people in a room, people who love and miss you too, and feel like I am the only one there.  All that talking going on around me, but there is still a silence because I can't hear you. 

That phone that kept me so connected to you… silent…even though it has not stopped ringing.  It catches me off guard…how can it not be you?  There is just this empty void that no one else can fill.  

Silly things raise tiny glimmers of hope that this just can't be happening.  I see your picture in the chat section of Facebook and I look to see if that little green dot is next to your name to let me know that you are there, available to chat.  No dot…still the silence continues.

The moments that I “forget” and talk about you like you are here or when someone says your name and I look up, expecting to see you, are some of the most difficult to breathe through.  That is when the silence becomes deafening.  It crashes down, overwhelming me with the harsh reality that you are gone.

I have so much inside, the pain is too great.  You were the one who would have shared this with me.  We would have looked for the light in the dark and found a way through it, together.      

I love you, my friend.  This is hard.

Words

Two days ago, my whole world changed, and not for the better.  You know, in a surreal way, that you can get that phone call at any time.  And in that moment, time stops.  You hear the words...“There’s been an accident”.  The frantic ride to the hospital, the disbelief, then time stops again… “She didn’t make it”.  

How?  How can this be?  I feel like I have shattered into a million pieces.  My beautiful, talented, best friend in the whole wide world (cousins by birth, friends by choice) is gone.  I just keep saying “I can’t."  I can’t breathe sometimes.  I can’t wrap my head around where I am, where she is not.  I can't believe this is happening.  I can’t do THIS. 

This is smothering me, the weight of it.  I want to run; literally and figuratively, but there is nowhere to go to get away from “here”.  It is raw, this grief.  There are words are inside me, struggling to form, because I need a way to name it, to describe it, to give how I feel a voice so that I can let it out.  Right now the words are just screams inside  me, tearing at what is left.

I love you, my friend.  Peace.    

August Week 3 - #FMSphotoaday

It's hard to believe how fast time is flying by!  Kindergarten Orientation was yesterday...so the new school year has "officially" begun!  A quick ankle update... I do have a stress fracture.  It's a huge bummer, since I am now sporting a very stylish "boot" that I will have to wear for the next six weeks (at least!).  So, no C25K for a while.  I'm hoping that this heals sooner, rather than later.  It's not going to easy going back to work, but I'm going to try! 

Wednesday ended week three of FMS's photo a day challenge.  And it has been challenging!  Since I am not really able to get out and about, most of my shots have been taken around the house.  Not very exciting, but doing the best I can :)

 Day 18 - Someone I spoke to today (my lovely daughter!)   Day 16 - Cooking (cheeseburger pie)

Day 19 - Lost (lost willpower!)   Day 15 - The Best (best idea I had all day)   Day 17 - Exercise

Day 21 - Slow (this has certainly slowed Me down!)   Day 20 - Stairs

Sad Tale of Woe - Why is it, exactly, that I'm doing this?

C25K...lately?  Not so much.  I tried....and now I've hurt myself.  About a week and a half ago I was making yet another attempt at successfully completing Week 4, Day 1 and I noticed a slight pain in my ankle.  Well, that "slight" pain has turned chronic and has led to days where I am literally hopping around because the pain and swelling are intense.  Yes, I have been to the doctors and yes, I have had x-rays.  There was a prediction of a stress fracture, but (thankfully) that is not the case.  Anti inflammatory drugs have been prescribed, along with elevation, and ice three times a day.  If these things don't work...well, I guess it's off to a specialist.  Feeling frustrated, but hopeful that this will go away soon so I can go back to torturing myself!  This sums it up for me right now... 

August Week 2 - #FMSphotoaday

This week was a great week for "stretching" (aka...what does that setting do? ) my photo skills.  My favorite day was "fast" (I know, it's just a picture of a ceiling fan...but I loved learning how to capture movement in a picture!)  So, here is week 2...

They are in random order (only because I liked the composition better!) 

Top to bottom, left to right...here were the daily prompts...

Day 11 - I love doing this (hanging out with my bestie!);  Day 9 - 2 o'clock;  Day 12 - Macro

Day 13 - Fast

Day 14 - Trash;  Day 10 - Beverage;  Day 8 - Peek-a-boo

Teacher Week '13 - Meet the Teacher

I thought I would play along with this...although I am not so sure what this week will bring.  I'm not back at school yet and can't get into my room until next Monday (kindergarten orientation is next Friday...EEK!).  Maybe this will inspire me to actually get something done.  It's been a lazy summer as far as getting myself ready for back to school!  Anyhoo...

Hmmm....where to begin?  Let's start with...

1)  I always have good intentions.  I love to try new things, but "sometimes" my follow through isn't what it should be!  The various unfinished projects laying around my house (and this blog) are a testament to this "problem".

2)  I LOVE scary movies.  I love the suspense, the build up, the YIKES! of a good movie.

3)  I am a wife and a mom.  I have been with my hubby for 27 years, married for 18.  We have two great kids who keep us on our toes.  A girl (16) and a boy (13)...they are as different as night and day!

4)  I have been teaching kindergarten for 21 years.  I LOVE my job.  With approximately 700 kids, my school is the largest in the district.  We have yet to come out of the dark ages...we still have half day kindergarten, so my day consists of two half day sessions.

5)  I am OBSESSED with nail polish.  During the school year, I do my nails every Sunday night.  The kids get a kick out of seeing my nails every week and by the middle of the school year they are making special requests.

6)  Reading is another passion.  I will read just about anything.  My "secret" shame is Victorian era romance novels, the sappier the better!

7)  I would love to run a 5k.  Why?  I don't know.  It just sounds like a great thing to do.  

8)  I love the taste of coffee.  I can't drink caffeinated anything without getting all buzzy and wired, so I try to stick to decaf.  It doesn't matter what it is... candy, icecream, or beverage... I love it all!

9)  I am not a "cutesy" kind of girl, but I might have a "slight" infatuation with Hello Kitty.

10)  I love facebook, surfing the web, scrolling through pinterest, and checking out blogs.  It is AMAZING what is out there.  My other "secret" shame is Candy Crush.  It's just not right how many hours I will never get back because of that game.  

August Week 1 - #FMSphotoaday

So.... I've been tossing around the idea of FatMumSlim's "Photo A Day Challenge" for quite a while.  I bought a new camera last summer, with all good intentions, but have used it very little.  It's cool.  But it's got a whole lotta "stuff" on it that I have NO IDEA how to use.  Since I have "extra time" on my hands, I figured I would finally try it out.  It has been a fun first week.  I love the prompts and it makes me pick up the camera every day, just to see what I can come up with.  Here are the photos that I submitted for this week.

Love the bird... He had such an attitude!

Day 1 - Something beginning with N = Nectarines
Day 2 - Incomplete = A Stained Glass Window that needs some serious work
Day 3 - Skyline = A Cloudy Day at the beach
Day 4 - Fresh = That Swan... Mr. Crankypants!
Day 5 - Early = "Early" Afternoon at the lake
Day 6 - This means alot to me = Being healthy
Day 7 - A sign... (of Aging) = I am now in the "take them off, put them on" stage...depending on how close things are!

C25K - Update

Today was the first day of week 3.  I did the first day yesterday too, unsuccessfully.  It's hard.  Yikes, it's hard.  It's a BIG jump to run 3 consecutive minutes (that sounds so lame!).  I'm keeping at it though.  I actually went to the track this time.  While I have walked on and off for the past few years, I have never gone to the local track; it just seemed like it would be "boring" going around in circles.  I made the decision to try it today because, while I love my neighborhood, I needed to focus on putting one foot in front of the other and not worry about traffic, uneven surfaces, transitions between sidewalks and other various surfaces, etc.  And...I did it!  Not well, not fast, but I made it!  

I also weighed in this morning...I am down 6 pounds.  Yay!    

This is exactly how it was yesterday!

Wall-Pops!

When I read Growing Kinders' ideas and question about how we manage to post target learning goals in our classrooms, I knew I just had to share!  I LOVE Wall-Pops.  They are "removable wall decals".  I stick them right to my whiteboard.  They can be written on with dry erase markers, cleaned off with felt erasers or white board spray and paper towel, and can be repositioned without damaging the board.  Being approximately the size of a dinner plate, there is plenty of room to write a short learning objective.  And... most importantly, they look cute :)

I always write the objective/target with the kids as we begin each lesson.  My district has encouraged this strategy for the past few years and it is now listed as part of the lesson on our new evaluation tool.  Since I was HORRIBLE at remembering to do this, the brightly colored circles on the board provide a nice visual reminder.   I wish I had a picture of my classroom to share!  

 

  I am sure there are many other ways they can be used (maybe on a table as a space to practice skills during a small group?)  Hmmm... I'll have to think about that!!

C25K - Week 2

I survived week one!  Yay!!  I had my doubts.  I  still have doubts... but, I'm still going for it.  Today was the first day of Week 2 and the running/walking cycles increased in time.  I was nervous to start this week because I wasn't all that confident in doing more after struggling through Week 1.  I have to say, it's slow going.  I have never been a runner, so I have no idea why I am doing this.  It's a challenge?  It's something new?  Who knows, but for now...I'll take it.  This morning I was excited to see that I have lost 3.4 pounds.  It's a start :)