Tired and Mad

 

Today... well, I got through it.  It is irrational, this anger.  This hatred.  This... I am pissed off at the world.  I hate facebook.  That is my focus right now.  I hate seeing "him", the would have been ex husband, playing the grieving widower.  Who is he?  He is no one.  No one I want to be associated with, no one I want to talk to ever again, certainly no one who should be grieving this loss like he has lost everything.  Everything was already gone.  He did not have her anymore, and he knew it.  He pushed her away, said awful, hurtful things, pushed and pushed until she finally broke and then, when he saw that she was lost to him, he wanted it all back.  He is the reason she was there.. in the road...  irrational, I know.  She could have been there for any reason...a run, walking the dog... but that is not what happened.  Ultimately, he wanted her to go for a walk, "to talk".  And now... she is gone.  To all of us.

Seeing his posts...the love fest that follows with every picture he posts... "you were soul mates", "don't give up, she would have wanted you to be strong", "love you, hang on, you can get through this"... makes me want to SCREAM.  I am going to refuse to hate him.  I am angry...that is different than hate.  Right?  I don't want him to have that power over my life.  I want him to go away, leave me and my family alone.  We know the farce, the insincerity of it all.  It is an act.  Said in simple terms...go, just go.

It is swallowing me whole tonight.  I can't reason it out.  It is senseless and still seems so surreal.  I have to keep reminding myself that she really is gone.  How is it possible?  thirty-five years old, a life time of happiness ahead, a daughter to raise, so much to live for... just gone.  I still "can't".  I'm not there yet. 


I love you my friend, but you have left behind a terrible mess.    

Silence

I think the silence is the hardest part right now.  It takes my breath away when I go to call you or think to myself “I have to tell Kerri this/that”.  I can be surrounded by people in a room, people who love and miss you too, and feel like I am the only one there.  All that talking going on around me, but there is still a silence because I can't hear you. 

That phone that kept me so connected to you… silent…even though it has not stopped ringing.  It catches me off guard…how can it not be you?  There is just this empty void that no one else can fill.  

Silly things raise tiny glimmers of hope that this just can't be happening.  I see your picture in the chat section of Facebook and I look to see if that little green dot is next to your name to let me know that you are there, available to chat.  No dot…still the silence continues.

The moments that I “forget” and talk about you like you are here or when someone says your name and I look up, expecting to see you, are some of the most difficult to breathe through.  That is when the silence becomes deafening.  It crashes down, overwhelming me with the harsh reality that you are gone.

I have so much inside, the pain is too great.  You were the one who would have shared this with me.  We would have looked for the light in the dark and found a way through it, together.      

I love you, my friend.  This is hard.