Today was brutal. Don't get me wrong, there have been many days that have brought me to my knees, but today....wow. Today closes a door that should have never been opened. We went through all of the things left from your life. Decorations, albums, photos, memorabilia...
Again...I can't. The words just aren't there.
Most days I get through without this devastating sense of loss. Most days I try to push it away; to not wallow in the grief of it all. Most days, I guess, I try to live in denial. It's what's been getting me through. Most days are so hectic that there is no time to stop and reflect on anything.
Today was different. While there is some sense of closure... this, in some ways, was indeed the final act. The material things have all been gone through; we have chosen what we think your daughter will cherish in the future, and decided what needs to go where. It is done, but for a small part, it is over. Honestly, it has shredded me, yet again.
You left behind an amazing legacy... One that answers some of the questions your daughter may have in the future: A baby book that has been entirely filled out, scrapbooks that document the love you had for your daughter's father, your life in pictures and written word that only you could convey. It's all there.
While tragic, thank God it is there. It is all that is left.
It was hard, some of the choices we made. Who's to say that what has been saved is "enough" or "too much"? We can't bring you back, nor should we create a shrine in your honor. Your possessions do not define the person that you were, yet it's all we have. My hope is that your daughter will find joy in what we have valued for her and not burdened by the memories we have saved. There is no handbook for this one.
I love and miss you, my friend, still...and more than you would ever believe possible.