Saturday, December 28, 2013

Happy Birthday

This isn't going to be a long post.  I just don't have it in me.  As I have thought about how to honor your memory, words escape me.  While you are not are in my every thought....

Happy Birthday, my friend.  I love you.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Merry Christmas?

It's late.  My family has gone to bed and I sit here, reflecting on the day, the year, and all that has come to pass.  It has been a tough couple of months.  The days ahead are going to bring it all back.  I knew that.  I know this.  The weekends are always the hardest.  The frantic pace of day to day life eases and there are times allowed for thoughts and feeling to grow like weeds through a crack.

I love my family but we are re-hashers.  We talk, a lot.  We go over things again and again as a way to make sense, to understand, to bring things into the light from other perspectives.  That being said, I had anticipated being with family, talking about the pain, giving voice to what remains unsaid during day to day life, was going to be another hurdle, another challenge, a day of truly just going through the motions to come out on the other side..hopefully still standing.  Well, I am here.  I survived. 

Tomorrow will be another day filled with reminders of what has been lost.  Hopefully, it will also bring a renewed hope that we will get through this together.  Life is for the living.

Merry Christmas, my friend.  I love you.     

Saturday, December 7, 2013



Today was brutal.  Don't get me wrong, there have been many days that have brought me to my knees, but  Today closes a door that should have never been opened.  We went through all of the things left from your life.  Decorations, albums, photos, memorabilia...

Again...I can't.  The words just aren't there.

Most days I get through without this devastating sense of loss.  Most days I try to push it away; to not wallow in the grief of it all.  Most days, I guess, I try to live in denial.  It's what's been getting me through.  Most days are so hectic that there is no time to stop and reflect on anything.

Today was different.  While there is some sense of closure... this, in some ways, was indeed the final act.  The material things have all been gone through; we have chosen what we think your daughter will cherish in the future, and decided what needs to go where.  It is done, but for a small part, it is over.  Honestly, it has shredded me, yet again. 

You left behind an amazing legacy...  One that answers some of the questions your daughter may have in the future:  A baby book that has been entirely filled out, scrapbooks that document the love you had for your daughter's father, your life in pictures and written word that only you could convey.  It's all there.

While tragic, thank God it is there.  It is all that is left.

It was hard, some of the choices we made.  Who's to say that what has been saved is "enough" or "too much"?  We can't bring you back, nor should we create a shrine in your honor.  Your possessions do not define the person that you were, yet it's all we have.  My hope is that your daughter will find joy in what we have valued for her and not burdened by the memories we have saved.  There is no handbook for this one.  

I love and miss you, my friend, still...and more than you would ever believe possible.