Sunday, January 15, 2017

Moving On?

Today, I took the day off.  That doesn't happen often around here.  I tried hard not to beat myself up over it.  I never just "am".  I am always doing something.  The past few months have been about doing something, anything in an attempt to avoid the obvious parts of my life.  When I am at work, I am working.  No down time, always busy.  When I home, I am cleaning, sorting. going through some aspect of this house to make things "easier" for when I can finally sell it.  The ugly truth is... I am crashing.  I've been running on fumes.

I tend to push myself to the limit so I can sleep at night.  I can be reflective, so I get it.  I recognize what I am doing.  If I keep busy, I feel like I am moving forward.  One step at a time.  Yet, I'm not.  I'm stuck.  It's like being a hamster on a wheel... running, running, running, yet not really moving or getting anywhere.  When I finish one task, it's on to the next.  I don't celebrate the "accomplishment", I check it off the list in my head and immediately roll on to what's next. 

I resent what this house stands for.  I don't want to do it anymore.  It's exhausting.  The emotional turmoil sucks the life out of me.  I'm getting over the "it's not fair".  It is what it is.  What I am struggling with is dragging myself through the past to get ready for a hopefully brighter future.  Spending money that I'd like to save for the future to fix things that should have been done long ago, weeding through things that represent a place and time that no longer exists, and making decisions based on what needs to just get done, rather than the dream of what "home" looked like in my mind.  

I don't know how to change what is going on here.  Today, I gave up.  I stayed in my pajamas until three o'clock, read a smutty book, napped, and met up with my parents for dinner.  If I can manage it, I may end the night with a bath, a glass of wine, and another trashy book.  Now, I'm tired.  Just tired.  I'd like to say I want my "old life" back.  But no, that's not right.  I don't want to settle for a life half lived, I've done that for way too long.  It's going to get better.  I am okay.  Breathe.   

Sometimes I feel like I am hanging on by a thread.  This is not the hardest thing I have ever done, but it's damn close.

Sunday, January 1, 2017

Hello, 2017!

Have you ever done this before?  Chosen one word to focus on for an entire year?  I've been kicking around resolutions and I have to say, for me right now, focusing on the negative is the last thing I want to do.  In the past, my resolutions have been lists of things identified as needing change, areas I struggle with, or things needing to be "fixed" because I am falling short in some way.  Then, at the end of the year, I look back, shake my head at all that unfinished, unaccomplished business and resolve to "do better next year".  At this time of so many new beginnings, I am shifting my perspective.    

A while back, my yoga instructor read a passage that resonated with me..

  "How dare you not step into the world with purpose?   
How dare you not live up to your potential?" 
 (Tiffany Cruikshank, Meditate Your Weight)  

I love this quote!  To me, it speaks to recognizing inner qualities and what a person has to offer and I love the challenge that it holds.  This year, I want to start the year on a positive note.  After much deliberation (there are SO MANY awesome words out there!), the word I am choosing is something I can reflect and fall back on.  It has meaning and can interweave through the many aspects of my life.  It is a word that sums up how I am feeling, right at this moment.  I want to hold on to that feeling, nurture it, and use it as momentum.  I  want to celebrate it as I move through the year and make things happen.  Hmmm... all this wrapped into one word?  Is that even possible?  Not just possible, I think it's totally doable!  So, here it is... my focus for this year.  

               How about you?  Are you setting goals, making a plan, tying your ideas to one word?  
Or are you resolving to just let the year unfold?