Tired and Mad

 

Today... well, I got through it.  It is irrational, this anger.  This hatred.  This... I am pissed off at the world.  I hate facebook.  That is my focus right now.  I hate seeing "him", the would have been ex husband, playing the grieving widower.  Who is he?  He is no one.  No one I want to be associated with, no one I want to talk to ever again, certainly no one who should be grieving this loss like he has lost everything.  Everything was already gone.  He did not have her anymore, and he knew it.  He pushed her away, said awful, hurtful things, pushed and pushed until she finally broke and then, when he saw that she was lost to him, he wanted it all back.  He is the reason she was there.. in the road...  irrational, I know.  She could have been there for any reason...a run, walking the dog... but that is not what happened.  Ultimately, he wanted her to go for a walk, "to talk".  And now... she is gone.  To all of us.

Seeing his posts...the love fest that follows with every picture he posts... "you were soul mates", "don't give up, she would have wanted you to be strong", "love you, hang on, you can get through this"... makes me want to SCREAM.  I am going to refuse to hate him.  I am angry...that is different than hate.  Right?  I don't want him to have that power over my life.  I want him to go away, leave me and my family alone.  We know the farce, the insincerity of it all.  It is an act.  Said in simple terms...go, just go.

It is swallowing me whole tonight.  I can't reason it out.  It is senseless and still seems so surreal.  I have to keep reminding myself that she really is gone.  How is it possible?  thirty-five years old, a life time of happiness ahead, a daughter to raise, so much to live for... just gone.  I still "can't".  I'm not there yet. 


I love you my friend, but you have left behind a terrible mess.    

Silence

I think the silence is the hardest part right now.  It takes my breath away when I go to call you or think to myself “I have to tell Kerri this/that”.  I can be surrounded by people in a room, people who love and miss you too, and feel like I am the only one there.  All that talking going on around me, but there is still a silence because I can't hear you. 

That phone that kept me so connected to you… silent…even though it has not stopped ringing.  It catches me off guard…how can it not be you?  There is just this empty void that no one else can fill.  

Silly things raise tiny glimmers of hope that this just can't be happening.  I see your picture in the chat section of Facebook and I look to see if that little green dot is next to your name to let me know that you are there, available to chat.  No dot…still the silence continues.

The moments that I “forget” and talk about you like you are here or when someone says your name and I look up, expecting to see you, are some of the most difficult to breathe through.  That is when the silence becomes deafening.  It crashes down, overwhelming me with the harsh reality that you are gone.

I have so much inside, the pain is too great.  You were the one who would have shared this with me.  We would have looked for the light in the dark and found a way through it, together.      

I love you, my friend.  This is hard.

Words

Two days ago, my whole world changed, and not for the better.  You know, in a surreal way, that you can get that phone call at any time.  And in that moment, time stops.  You hear the words...“There’s been an accident”.  The frantic ride to the hospital, the disbelief, then time stops again… “She didn’t make it”.  

How?  How can this be?  I feel like I have shattered into a million pieces.  My beautiful, talented, best friend in the whole wide world (cousins by birth, friends by choice) is gone.  I just keep saying “I can’t."  I can’t breathe sometimes.  I can’t wrap my head around where I am, where she is not.  I can't believe this is happening.  I can’t do THIS. 

This is smothering me, the weight of it.  I want to run; literally and figuratively, but there is nowhere to go to get away from “here”.  It is raw, this grief.  There are words are inside me, struggling to form, because I need a way to name it, to describe it, to give how I feel a voice so that I can let it out.  Right now the words are just screams inside  me, tearing at what is left.

I love you, my friend.  Peace.    

August Week 3 - #FMSphotoaday

It's hard to believe how fast time is flying by!  Kindergarten Orientation was yesterday...so the new school year has "officially" begun!  A quick ankle update... I do have a stress fracture.  It's a huge bummer, since I am now sporting a very stylish "boot" that I will have to wear for the next six weeks (at least!).  So, no C25K for a while.  I'm hoping that this heals sooner, rather than later.  It's not going to easy going back to work, but I'm going to try! 

Wednesday ended week three of FMS's photo a day challenge.  And it has been challenging!  Since I am not really able to get out and about, most of my shots have been taken around the house.  Not very exciting, but doing the best I can :)

 Day 18 - Someone I spoke to today (my lovely daughter!)   Day 16 - Cooking (cheeseburger pie)

Day 19 - Lost (lost willpower!)   Day 15 - The Best (best idea I had all day)   Day 17 - Exercise

Day 21 - Slow (this has certainly slowed Me down!)   Day 20 - Stairs

Sad Tale of Woe - Why is it, exactly, that I'm doing this?

C25K...lately?  Not so much.  I tried....and now I've hurt myself.  About a week and a half ago I was making yet another attempt at successfully completing Week 4, Day 1 and I noticed a slight pain in my ankle.  Well, that "slight" pain has turned chronic and has led to days where I am literally hopping around because the pain and swelling are intense.  Yes, I have been to the doctors and yes, I have had x-rays.  There was a prediction of a stress fracture, but (thankfully) that is not the case.  Anti inflammatory drugs have been prescribed, along with elevation, and ice three times a day.  If these things don't work...well, I guess it's off to a specialist.  Feeling frustrated, but hopeful that this will go away soon so I can go back to torturing myself!  This sums it up for me right now... 

August Week 2 - #FMSphotoaday

This week was a great week for "stretching" (aka...what does that setting do? ) my photo skills.  My favorite day was "fast" (I know, it's just a picture of a ceiling fan...but I loved learning how to capture movement in a picture!)  So, here is week 2...

They are in random order (only because I liked the composition better!) 

Top to bottom, left to right...here were the daily prompts...

Day 11 - I love doing this (hanging out with my bestie!);  Day 9 - 2 o'clock;  Day 12 - Macro

Day 13 - Fast

Day 14 - Trash;  Day 10 - Beverage;  Day 8 - Peek-a-boo

Teacher Week '13 - Meet the Teacher

I thought I would play along with this...although I am not so sure what this week will bring.  I'm not back at school yet and can't get into my room until next Monday (kindergarten orientation is next Friday...EEK!).  Maybe this will inspire me to actually get something done.  It's been a lazy summer as far as getting myself ready for back to school!  Anyhoo...

Hmmm....where to begin?  Let's start with...

1)  I always have good intentions.  I love to try new things, but "sometimes" my follow through isn't what it should be!  The various unfinished projects laying around my house (and this blog) are a testament to this "problem".

2)  I LOVE scary movies.  I love the suspense, the build up, the YIKES! of a good movie.

3)  I am a wife and a mom.  I have been with my hubby for 27 years, married for 18.  We have two great kids who keep us on our toes.  A girl (16) and a boy (13)...they are as different as night and day!

4)  I have been teaching kindergarten for 21 years.  I LOVE my job.  With approximately 700 kids, my school is the largest in the district.  We have yet to come out of the dark ages...we still have half day kindergarten, so my day consists of two half day sessions.

5)  I am OBSESSED with nail polish.  During the school year, I do my nails every Sunday night.  The kids get a kick out of seeing my nails every week and by the middle of the school year they are making special requests.

6)  Reading is another passion.  I will read just about anything.  My "secret" shame is Victorian era romance novels, the sappier the better!

7)  I would love to run a 5k.  Why?  I don't know.  It just sounds like a great thing to do.  

8)  I love the taste of coffee.  I can't drink caffeinated anything without getting all buzzy and wired, so I try to stick to decaf.  It doesn't matter what it is... candy, icecream, or beverage... I love it all!

9)  I am not a "cutesy" kind of girl, but I might have a "slight" infatuation with Hello Kitty.

10)  I love facebook, surfing the web, scrolling through pinterest, and checking out blogs.  It is AMAZING what is out there.  My other "secret" shame is Candy Crush.  It's just not right how many hours I will never get back because of that game.