Thursday, August 27, 2015

Why now?

If there is a time that I miss my best friend like crazy, it is now.  This time of the year has been tough... again.  I was blindsided last year and I thought this "Back to School" would be better.  I was ready.  It happened once.  I was prepared.

That was a lie.  It's not better.  I can't seem to get over myself.  I am struggling.  I am trying to be reflective... Why now?  What is happening that makes every day such. a. challenge?  I don't have answers.  I am definitely busy; my time is filled with prep work, union issues, meetings, etc.  There is just too much to complete in one day and I have yet to feel "caught up" since the back to school crazies have struck.  More than once over the last couple of weeks I have reacted to a situation with... I have to call Kerri.

Wait. What?  No.

Is it the wedding preparations that have been happening because her sister is getting married?  Is is the start of the school year, when we had SO MUCH to talk about and laugh about in the past?  Is it just ALL the stress that seems to be swirling around me right now?  I don't know.  Maybe it's everything or maybe it's just another wave that will ebb away, leaving me relieved when it recedes.  I'm back to "I can't".  It's not a good feeling.  It's not healthy.  And...  I'm trying to fight back.  It's not easy.

These last few days have been inexplicably dark.  But there's light, I know there is.  There has to be.  I have to believe that "this" is going to pass.

My challenge to myself.... find the JOY.  Look for it.  It's out there.

The tough love part of me is saying.... "And if it's not...  Fake it 'til you make it."     

Thinking of you, my friend.  This is still hard.