Sunday, September 7, 2014

September Photo A Day

I am trying... This month has been REALLY tough (and we are only 7 days into it!).  The difficulty started at the end of August.... I didn't see it it coming.  This has been a year of "firsts" and I have tried to mentally prepare myself for each milestone.  Birthdays, holidays, events, traditions... all the things you would "expect" to be hard after someone has passed...well, this one blindsided me.  It never occurred to me to prepare for going back to school.  Oh, I know that I need to brace myself for the changes to my schedule, the new pressures, and unexpected "stuff" that comes up, but I never expected to feel so alone, so bereft, so incredibly SAD at the beginning of the school year.  I am feeling the loss of her so much right now it is sometimes physically painful.  It takes my breath away.

I am and have been reflective, but...WOW....it has not been good.  I know the "why"....but knowing why doesn't make it any less painful.  This would be the time of year where Kerri and I would be together, a lot.  Talking about our classes and kids; getting together to just sit and talk as we prepped things to start the year; trying to solve the problems of the world as we moved into another year of teaching.  We would be commuting "together", chatting up a storm, on the way to work every day; comparing notes and commiserating on the way home every afternoon.   That was our daily/weekly/yearly "routine".

Okay.  So this sucks.  Now what?  I don't have an answer for that.  Counseling?  Maybe.  (I never thought I'd be "there", but it's an option I can't ignore.)  Do SOMETHING (like take a class, go on vacation, get a massage)?  Possibly.  But things aren't good here.  Financially, it's been a difficult couple of months.  After thinking about what IS possible, I decided to get back into "Photo A Day".  It was something I enjoyed doing with Kerri, so it is bittersweet, but it gives me a daily distraction.  It also gives me a reason to get out of the house...because sometimes that is a problem too!  So, today is Day 7 and I have managed to complete every day (though I was a little late on days 5 and 6!)  I'm going to try to collage the pictures at the end of the month (we'll see if I can do a whole month!).

The photo at the top is one I took today.  The prompt was "Upside Down".  My life feels topsy turvey right now, but it was nice to take a break and focus on something fun.  I'm going to look into some photography "Meet Ups" to see if I can get involved with a group who has interests similar to mine.  My husband even mentioned taking a photography class to learn how to use my fancy camera.  We'll see. 

It's overwhelming, but I'm going to get through this.