Sunday, July 20, 2014

Still


       I haven't talked written about this in a while.  And it's not because she's not always on my mind.  It's more because I don't want this space to be all about grief.  In many ways my grief has been private (ironically said...since I blog about it!), but there are times it has to come out in some part of my world, so please bear with me.
       As I have said in previous posts, grief is not linear.  It definitely ebbs and flows.  I can usually tell when the wave is coming.  It builds over time, starting slowly and then finally consumes me when I hear a song, see a picture, or do something that reminds me of her.  Kerri and I were always "in for a penny, in for a pound".  We never did things half way and together, we tackled all kinds of crazy tasks.  I look back over the past few days and there were signs.  I knew it was starting on the day I ripped out the carpet in my daughter's room.  It began with a simple thought..."Ya' know, you should be here, helping me with this."  As I sat on the floor pulling out the seemingly four thousand staples, I found myself walking down memory lane, laughing to myself about our various misadventures, and again, for the millionth time, wishing she was here.
       That day was too busy for a breakdown.  I pushed the emotions aside and carried on.  A couple of facebook comments/posts on Friday helped the wave build.  Her friends and our family often post pictures and make comments that bring everything crashing down, but still... I held it at bay.  I knew I was in trouble yesterday.  I was tired.  But not in a physical way.  Emotionally, I felt weary and unable to cope.  Sleep is one way I escape, so sleep I did.  The last two days I have felt unmotivated and uninspired.  Uninterested in life around me.  There are times I wonder if it would be better to just "go with it" when it begins.  Just get it over with; embrace it, let the tidal wave sweep me away, deal with it then and there, and hopefully move through it quickly.  Does that make sense? 
       Today was tough.  I've had my cry.  I look like hell.  I've listened to sad songs and gotten mad at myself for wallowing.  I am hoping the tide will now turn and I can return to what is still the "new normal", even though it's been nine months since she's been gone.  Time to regroup and move forward.

Missing you still, my friend.  Some days are "easier" than others.