Time is revealing that grief is not the linear path that I once thought it was. In some ways, it is very much like a roller coaster; it has its highs and lows, sudden jerks and stops. In other ways, it is like the waves of the ocean; receding and then sometimes gently rolling back into shore or returning like a tidal wave. There are moments where I think to myself "I got this", where I am beginning to feel the peace of acceptance. Then there are moments where there is no peace. There is a spiraling down to the place of "how can?" How can she be gone? The place of selfishness. How can/do I move on? So much of me was tied up in her. OUR interests, OUR family ties, OUR friendship. It is tough to move on to be alone, with just me. I have friends, one in particular, who are there, but it is not the same. The silliness in life is gone and I miss that.
I'm in a strange place. I still feel like I am not anchored, that I am drifting along, going through the motions to get through each day. When I lost my best friend I became detached from the things in my life that she shared with me. I don't know how to get reconnected to those things. When I think about those things and why I was involved in them, I didn't do them for her, I did them because I wanted to, but it was definitely more motivating and interesting to have a "partner in crime". Now, things hold a kind of removed, distant interest for me. Running, scrapbooking, nail art/polish, movies, tv shows, music, all the trivial "stuff" in life is just blah/flat. I'm trying to get around it and over it, but I can honestly say that I am stuck and it is frustrating.
One of the "stages of grief" is anger. I'm mad, but not at her, at myself. I need to snap out of it. It is what it is... it's time to reclaim myself in all this. I was recently asked how "things" are going and my response was "I want my life back". This is where the two year old temper tantrum/whining comes in.... I don't want to make new friends, I don't want to work at things I used to enjoy, I don't want to feel this way anymore.
And then, there is a voice inside of me that answers back.... Too bad, so sad, but you don't always get what you want.