Sunday, January 15, 2017

Moving On?


Today, I took the day off.  That doesn't happen often around here.  I tried hard not to beat myself up over it.  I never just "am".  I am always doing something.  The past few months have been about doing something, anything in an attempt to avoid the obvious parts of my life.  When I am at work, I am working.  No down time, always busy.  When I home, I am cleaning, sorting. going through some aspect of this house to make things "easier" for when I can finally sell it.  The ugly truth is... I am crashing.  I've been running on fumes.

I tend to push myself to the limit so I can sleep at night.  I can be reflective, so I get it.  I recognize what I am doing.  If I keep busy, I feel like I am moving forward.  One step at a time.  Yet, I'm not.  I'm stuck.  It's like being a hamster on a wheel... running, running, running, yet not really moving or getting anywhere.  When I finish one task, it's on to the next.  I don't celebrate the "accomplishment", I check it off the list in my head and immediately roll on to what's next. 

I resent what this house stands for.  I don't want to do it anymore.  It's exhausting.  The emotional turmoil sucks the life out of me.  I'm getting over the "it's not fair".  It is what it is.  What I am struggling with is dragging myself through the past to get ready for a hopefully brighter future.  Spending money that I'd like to save for the future to fix things that should have been done long ago, weeding through things that represent a place and time that no longer exists, and making decisions based on what needs to just get done, rather than the dream of what "home" looked like in my mind.  

I don't know how to change what is going on here.  Today, I gave up.  I stayed in my pajamas until three o'clock, read a smutty book, napped, and met up with my parents for dinner.  If I can manage it, I may end the night with a bath, a glass of wine, and another trashy book.  Now, I'm tired.  Just tired.  I'd like to say I want my "old life" back.  But no, that's not right.  I don't want to settle for a life half lived, I've done that for way too long.  It's going to get better.  I am okay.  Breathe.   

Sometimes I feel like I am hanging on by a thread.  This is not the hardest thing I have ever done, but it's damn close.

4 comments:

  1. Sending you a hug, hang on in there things will get better. Take care.

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    1. Thank you.. Your kind words made me smile :)

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  2. Hugs to you. I get what the pic at the beginning says, I stress about stressing about stressing too. It is a hard cycle to get out of isn't it. I do hope that things will look up for you and that you can start to plan and think about the future and beyond just what is immediately in front of you. My husband always tries to get us thinking about something good ahead, even if it is having a dinner together, or a new magazine coming out, just something in the future to think about. If you can look ahead to something it is a little help to distract your mind. I hope you don't mind the suggestion and that it might help. Sending you good thoughts, hugs and hopes for a better 2017. xxxx

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    1. Good advice, Amy. I do need to get out of the rut I am in. It's so negative! I definitely need a change of perspective. Baby steps :)

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