Remembering...

On this date, two years ago, my life changed in a way that I never saw coming.  The result is an emptiness that can not be filled; an ache that just doesn't go away.

Missing you, my friend.  Today and every day.

Why now?

If there is a time that I miss my best friend like crazy, it is now.  This time of the year has been tough... again.  I was blindsided last year and I thought this "Back to School" would be better.  I was ready.  It happened once.  I was prepared.

That was a lie.  It's not better.  I can't seem to get over myself.  I am struggling.  I am trying to be reflective... Why now?  What is happening that makes every day such. a. challenge?  I don't have answers.  I am definitely busy; my time is filled with prep work, union issues, meetings, etc.  There is just too much to complete in one day and I have yet to feel "caught up" since the back to school crazies have struck.  More than once over the last couple of weeks I have reacted to a situation with... I have to call Kerri.

Wait. What?  No.

Is it the wedding preparations that have been happening because her sister is getting married?  Is is the start of the school year, when we had SO MUCH to talk about and laugh about in the past?  Is it just ALL the stress that seems to be swirling around me right now?  I don't know.  Maybe it's everything or maybe it's just another wave that will ebb away, leaving me relieved when it recedes.  I'm back to "I can't".  It's not a good feeling.  It's not healthy.  And...  I'm trying to fight back.  It's not easy.

These last few days have been inexplicably dark.  But there's light, I know there is.  There has to be.  I have to believe that "this" is going to pass.

My challenge to myself.... find the JOY.  Look for it.  It's out there.

The tough love part of me is saying.... "And if it's not...  Fake it 'til you make it."     

Thinking of you, my friend.  This is still hard.

Spiraling Down

       There are times that I can't seem to move beyond it.  I still don't write about it often, but it's been a year and a half.  It's not like it used to be (gut wrenching badness), but there are those times.... I can't predict what will bring it on.  Holidays, songs, seeing your daughter, etc, those I know are true triggers.  But then, out of the blue, I feel like I am lying flat on my back, totally wiped out.  I miss you, Girl.  I still can't imagine "forever" without you.  Your godson just turned 15.  I miss you, for him.  Your daughter just turned 9.  I miss you,  for her.  I am going through the motions of life. I miss you,  for me.  It's not the past that I dwell on.  It's the future.  It's the future you don't have.  The one I don't we don't get to share with you.  I've thought about you alot these last few weeks.  You seem to always be on my mind.  I've wanted to call you, laugh with you, just "catch up".  It's kind of bizarre.  You'd think it would be "better", but deep down, it's not.  Just putting it out there, because.... I have to put it somewhere...

I still miss you, my friend.

    

September Photo A Day

I am trying... This month has been REALLY tough (and we are only 7 days into it!).  The difficulty started at the end of August.... I didn't see it it coming.  This has been a year of "firsts" and I have tried to mentally prepare myself for each milestone.  Birthdays, holidays, events, traditions... all the things you would "expect" to be hard after someone has passed...well, this one blindsided me.  It never occurred to me to prepare for going back to school.  Oh, I know that I need to brace myself for the changes to my schedule, the new pressures, and unexpected "stuff" that comes up, but I never expected to feel so alone, so bereft, so incredibly SAD at the beginning of the school year.  I am feeling the loss of her so much right now it is sometimes physically painful.  It takes my breath away.

I am and have been reflective, but...WOW....it has not been good.  I know the "why"....but knowing why doesn't make it any less painful.  This would be the time of year where Kerri and I would be together, a lot.  Talking about our classes and kids; getting together to just sit and talk as we prepped things to start the year; trying to solve the problems of the world as we moved into another year of teaching.  We would be commuting "together", chatting up a storm, on the way to work every day; comparing notes and commiserating on the way home every afternoon.   That was our daily/weekly/yearly "routine".

Okay.  So this sucks.  Now what?  I don't have an answer for that.  Counseling?  Maybe.  (I never thought I'd be "there", but it's an option I can't ignore.)  Do SOMETHING (like take a class, go on vacation, get a massage)?  Possibly.  But things aren't good here.  Financially, it's been a difficult couple of months.  After thinking about what IS possible, I decided to get back into "Photo A Day".  It was something I enjoyed doing with Kerri, so it is bittersweet, but it gives me a daily distraction.  It also gives me a reason to get out of the house...because sometimes that is a problem too!  So, today is Day 7 and I have managed to complete every day (though I was a little late on days 5 and 6!)  I'm going to try to collage the pictures at the end of the month (we'll see if I can do a whole month!).

The photo at the top is one I took today.  The prompt was "Upside Down".  My life feels topsy turvey right now, but it was nice to take a break and focus on something fun.  I'm going to look into some photography "Meet Ups" to see if I can get involved with a group who has interests similar to mine.  My husband even mentioned taking a photography class to learn how to use my fancy camera.  We'll see. 

It's overwhelming, but I'm going to get through this. 

Still

       I haven't talked written about this in a while.  And it's not because she's not always on my mind.  It's more because I don't want this space to be all about grief.  In many ways my grief has been private (ironically said...since I blog about it!), but there are times it has to come out in some part of my world, so please bear with me.
       As I have said in previous posts, grief is not linear.  It definitely ebbs and flows.  I can usually tell when the wave is coming.  It builds over time, starting slowly and then finally consumes me when I hear a song, see a picture, or do something that reminds me of her.  Kerri and I were always "in for a penny, in for a pound".  We never did things half way and together, we tackled all kinds of crazy tasks.  I look back over the past few days and there were signs.  I knew it was starting on the day I ripped out the carpet in my daughter's room.  It began with a simple thought..."Ya' know, you should be here, helping me with this."  As I sat on the floor pulling out the seemingly four thousand staples, I found myself walking down memory lane, laughing to myself about our various misadventures, and again, for the millionth time, wishing she was here.
       That day was too busy for a breakdown.  I pushed the emotions aside and carried on.  A couple of facebook comments/posts on Friday helped the wave build.  Her friends and our family often post pictures and make comments that bring everything crashing down, but still... I held it at bay.  I knew I was in trouble yesterday.  I was tired.  But not in a physical way.  Emotionally, I felt weary and unable to cope.  Sleep is one way I escape, so sleep I did.  The last two days I have felt unmotivated and uninspired.  Uninterested in life around me.  There are times I wonder if it would be better to just "go with it" when it begins.  Just get it over with; embrace it, let the tidal wave sweep me away, deal with it then and there, and hopefully move through it quickly.  Does that make sense? 
       Today was tough.  I've had my cry.  I look like hell.  I've listened to sad songs and gotten mad at myself for wallowing.  I am hoping the tide will now turn and I can return to what is still the "new normal", even though it's been nine months since she's been gone.  Time to regroup and move forward.

Missing you still, my friend.  Some days are "easier" than others.

"Too Bad, So Sad"

     Time is revealing that grief is not the linear path that I once thought it was.  In some ways, it is very much like a roller coaster; it has its highs and lows, sudden jerks and stops.  In other ways, it is like the waves of the ocean; receding and then sometimes gently rolling back into shore or returning like a tidal wave.  There are moments where I think to myself "I got this", where I am beginning to feel the peace of acceptance.  Then there are moments where there is no peace.  There is a spiraling down to the place of "how can?"  How can she be gone?  The place of selfishness.  How can/do I move on?  So much of me was tied up in her.  OUR interests, OUR family ties, OUR friendship.  It is tough to move on to be alone, with just me.  I have friends, one in particular, who are there, but it is not the same.  The silliness in life is gone and I miss that.

     I'm in a strange place.  I still feel like I am not anchored, that I am drifting along, going through the motions to get through each day.  When I lost my best friend I became detached from the things in my life that she shared with me.  I don't know how to get reconnected to those things.  When I think about those things and why I was involved in them, I didn't do them for her, I did them because I wanted to, but it was definitely more motivating and interesting to have a "partner in crime".  Now, things hold a kind of removed, distant interest for me.  Running, scrapbooking, nail art/polish, movies, tv shows, music, all the trivial "stuff" in life is just blah/flat.  I'm trying to get around it and over it, but I can honestly say that I am stuck and it is frustrating.

     One of the "stages of grief" is anger.  I'm mad, but not at her, at myself.  I need to snap out of it.  It is what it is... it's time to reclaim myself in all this.   I was recently asked how "things" are going and my response was "I want my life back".  This is where the two year old temper tantrum/whining comes in....  I don't want to make new friends, I don't want to work at things I used to enjoy, I don't want to feel this way anymore.

And then, there is a voice inside of me that answers back.... Too bad, so sad, but you don't always get what you want.

Merry Christmas?

It's late.  My family has gone to bed and I sit here, reflecting on the day, the year, and all that has come to pass.  It has been a tough couple of months.  The days ahead are going to bring it all back.  I knew that.  I know this.  The weekends are always the hardest.  The frantic pace of day to day life eases and there are times allowed for thoughts and feeling to grow like weeds through a crack.

I love my family but we are re-hashers.  We talk, a lot.  We go over things again and again as a way to make sense, to understand, to bring things into the light from other perspectives.  That being said, I had anticipated being with family, talking about the pain, giving voice to what remains unsaid during day to day life, was going to be another hurdle, another challenge, a day of truly just going through the motions to come out on the other side..hopefully still standing.  Well, I am here.  I survived. 

Tomorrow will be another day filled with reminders of what has been lost.  Hopefully, it will also bring a renewed hope that we will get through this together.  Life is for the living.


Merry Christmas, my friend.  I love you.     

Today

                    

Today was brutal.  Don't get me wrong, there have been many days that have brought me to my knees, but today....wow.  Today closes a door that should have never been opened.  We went through all of the things left from your life.  Decorations, albums, photos, memorabilia...


Again...I can't.  The words just aren't there.

Most days I get through without this devastating sense of loss.  Most days I try to push it away; to not wallow in the grief of it all.  Most days, I guess, I try to live in denial.  It's what's been getting me through.  Most days are so hectic that there is no time to stop and reflect on anything.

Today was different.  While there is some sense of closure... this, in some ways, was indeed the final act.  The material things have all been gone through; we have chosen what we think your daughter will cherish in the future, and decided what needs to go where.  It is done, but for a small part, it is over.  Honestly, it has shredded me, yet again. 

You left behind an amazing legacy...  One that answers some of the questions your daughter may have in the future:  A baby book that has been entirely filled out, scrapbooks that document the love you had for your daughter's father, your life in pictures and written word that only you could convey.  It's all there.

While tragic, thank God it is there.  It is all that is left.

It was hard, some of the choices we made.  Who's to say that what has been saved is "enough" or "too much"?  We can't bring you back, nor should we create a shrine in your honor.  Your possessions do not define the person that you were, yet it's all we have.  My hope is that your daughter will find joy in what we have valued for her and not burdened by the memories we have saved.  There is no handbook for this one.  

I love and miss you, my friend, still...and more than you would ever believe possible.

Tired and Mad

 

Today... well, I got through it.  It is irrational, this anger.  This hatred.  This... I am pissed off at the world.  I hate facebook.  That is my focus right now.  I hate seeing "him", the would have been ex husband, playing the grieving widower.  Who is he?  He is no one.  No one I want to be associated with, no one I want to talk to ever again, certainly no one who should be grieving this loss like he has lost everything.  Everything was already gone.  He did not have her anymore, and he knew it.  He pushed her away, said awful, hurtful things, pushed and pushed until she finally broke and then, when he saw that she was lost to him, he wanted it all back.  He is the reason she was there.. in the road...  irrational, I know.  She could have been there for any reason...a run, walking the dog... but that is not what happened.  Ultimately, he wanted her to go for a walk, "to talk".  And now... she is gone.  To all of us.

Seeing his posts...the love fest that follows with every picture he posts... "you were soul mates", "don't give up, she would have wanted you to be strong", "love you, hang on, you can get through this"... makes me want to SCREAM.  I am going to refuse to hate him.  I am angry...that is different than hate.  Right?  I don't want him to have that power over my life.  I want him to go away, leave me and my family alone.  We know the farce, the insincerity of it all.  It is an act.  Said in simple terms...go, just go.

It is swallowing me whole tonight.  I can't reason it out.  It is senseless and still seems so surreal.  I have to keep reminding myself that she really is gone.  How is it possible?  thirty-five years old, a life time of happiness ahead, a daughter to raise, so much to live for... just gone.  I still "can't".  I'm not there yet. 


I love you my friend, but you have left behind a terrible mess.    

Silence

I think the silence is the hardest part right now.  It takes my breath away when I go to call you or think to myself “I have to tell Kerri this/that”.  I can be surrounded by people in a room, people who love and miss you too, and feel like I am the only one there.  All that talking going on around me, but there is still a silence because I can't hear you. 

That phone that kept me so connected to you… silent…even though it has not stopped ringing.  It catches me off guard…how can it not be you?  There is just this empty void that no one else can fill.  

Silly things raise tiny glimmers of hope that this just can't be happening.  I see your picture in the chat section of Facebook and I look to see if that little green dot is next to your name to let me know that you are there, available to chat.  No dot…still the silence continues.

The moments that I “forget” and talk about you like you are here or when someone says your name and I look up, expecting to see you, are some of the most difficult to breathe through.  That is when the silence becomes deafening.  It crashes down, overwhelming me with the harsh reality that you are gone.

I have so much inside, the pain is too great.  You were the one who would have shared this with me.  We would have looked for the light in the dark and found a way through it, together.      

I love you, my friend.  This is hard.

Words

Two days ago, my whole world changed, and not for the better.  You know, in a surreal way, that you can get that phone call at any time.  And in that moment, time stops.  You hear the words...“There’s been an accident”.  The frantic ride to the hospital, the disbelief, then time stops again… “She didn’t make it”.  

How?  How can this be?  I feel like I have shattered into a million pieces.  My beautiful, talented, best friend in the whole wide world (cousins by birth, friends by choice) is gone.  I just keep saying “I can’t."  I can’t breathe sometimes.  I can’t wrap my head around where I am, where she is not.  I can't believe this is happening.  I can’t do THIS. 

This is smothering me, the weight of it.  I want to run; literally and figuratively, but there is nowhere to go to get away from “here”.  It is raw, this grief.  There are words are inside me, struggling to form, because I need a way to name it, to describe it, to give how I feel a voice so that I can let it out.  Right now the words are just screams inside  me, tearing at what is left.

I love you, my friend.  Peace.