Moving On?

Today, I took the day off.  That doesn't happen often around here.  I tried hard not to beat myself up over it.  I never just "am".  I am always doing something.  The past few months have been about doing something, anything in an attempt to avoid the obvious parts of my life.  When I am at work, I am working.  No down time, always busy.  When I home, I am cleaning, sorting. going through some aspect of this house to make things "easier" for when I can finally sell it.  The ugly truth is... I am crashing.  I've been running on fumes.

I tend to push myself to the limit so I can sleep at night.  I can be reflective, so I get it.  I recognize what I am doing.  If I keep busy, I feel like I am moving forward.  One step at a time.  Yet, I'm not.  I'm stuck.  It's like being a hamster on a wheel... running, running, running, yet not really moving or getting anywhere.  When I finish one task, it's on to the next.  I don't celebrate the "accomplishment", I check it off the list in my head and immediately roll on to what's next. 

I resent what this house stands for.  I don't want to do it anymore.  It's exhausting.  The emotional turmoil sucks the life out of me.  I'm getting over the "it's not fair".  It is what it is.  What I am struggling with is dragging myself through the past to get ready for a hopefully brighter future.  Spending money that I'd like to save for the future to fix things that should have been done long ago, weeding through things that represent a place and time that no longer exists, and making decisions based on what needs to just get done, rather than the dream of what "home" looked like in my mind.  

I don't know how to change what is going on here.  Today, I gave up.  I stayed in my pajamas until three o'clock, read a smutty book, napped, and met up with my parents for dinner.  If I can manage it, I may end the night with a bath, a glass of wine, and another trashy book.  Now, I'm tired.  Just tired.  I'd like to say I want my "old life" back.  But no, that's not right.  I don't want to settle for a life half lived, I've done that for way too long.  It's going to get better.  I am okay.  Breathe.   

Sometimes I feel like I am hanging on by a thread.  This is not the hardest thing I have ever done, but it's damn close.

Hello, 2017!

Have you ever done this before?  Chosen one word to focus on for an entire year?  I've been kicking around resolutions and I have to say, for me right now, focusing on the negative is the last thing I want to do.  In the past, my resolutions have been lists of things identified as needing change, areas I struggle with, or things needing to be "fixed" because I am falling short in some way.  Then, at the end of the year, I look back, shake my head at all that unfinished, unaccomplished business and resolve to "do better next year".  At this time of so many new beginnings, I am shifting my perspective.    

A while back, my yoga instructor read a passage that resonated with me..

  "How dare you not step into the world with purpose?   

How dare you not live up to your potential?" 

 (Tiffany Cruikshank, Meditate Your Weight)  

I love this quote!  To me, it speaks to recognizing inner qualities and what a person has to offer and I love the challenge that it holds.  This year, I want to start the year on a positive note.  After much deliberation (there are SO MANY awesome words out there!), the word I am choosing is something I can reflect and fall back on.  It has meaning and can interweave through the many aspects of my life.  It is a word that sums up how I am feeling, right at this moment.  I want to hold on to that feeling, nurture it, and use it as momentum.  I  want to celebrate it as I move through the year and make things happen.  Hmmm... all this wrapped into one word?  Is that even possible?  Not just possible, I think it's totally doable!  So, here it is... my focus for this year.  

               How about you?  Are you setting goals, making a plan, tying your ideas to one word?  

Or are you resolving to just let the year unfold?

Goodbye (and Good Riddance) 2016

Here it is, the last day of 2016.  I won't lie, this year has been a suckfest.  It's been so long since I posted anything because I've started and stopped so many times, never really knowing what to say.  I still don't know what to say.  I couldn't bring myself to create a blog-land illusion of sunshine and light and yet, I didn't want to turn this space into a daily downward spiral of misery.  So, I'm taking the plunge... I need start moving past what has happened this year.  I need some semblance of a "new normal" that is positive, peaceful, and balanced.  Things are still unfolding and I'm sure there will be many more highs and lows, but I'm putting this out there with the anticipation it will break the writer's block I have imposed upon myself.     

The good... I am going to be okay.  I have great kids, a great family, and great friends.  While the future is a little uncertain right now, I AM going to be fine.  While the future isn't what I envisioned, I am going to make the best of it.  Moving forward, accomplishing goals, and doing what's best for me and my kids are things on the bucket list for 2017.

The bad... My husband and I have been together for 30 years.  While things have been a little sketchy for a while now, I had hoped, in my heart of hearts, that we could work our way back to each other.  Apparently, that is not going to happen.  He has found his soulmate and they are now very happy together.  No discretion, no apology, he has just walked away without looking back.  How nice for him.  How nice for them.  Ouch.

The ugly... I am left holding the bag with what's left of our combined lives in it.  This house?  Ugh.  He gave up on our life together long ago.  There are things needing to be done: decisions to be made, projects to be finished, things to be gone through, and financial matters to tend to.  I have often "joked" that I was unsure of whether to be insulted or relieved that he had such low standards.  My yard looks like an episode of Sanford and Sons.  The shed?  Good Lord.  I have no words.  My house is full of unfinished projects that need to be addressed.  I have been cleaning and repairing for the past four months, and yet I haven't even scratched the surface.  Baby steps.  All the decisions can be overwhelming, but it will all get done.  Or it won't.  Either way, the house will be sold within the next year and a half (hopefully hanging on until Bubba graduates from high school).

So, there it is.  Lots of changes and more to come.  That "new normal"?  Still a work in progress, but I will get there.  I am determined.           

 

A Little Update (August Wrap Up)

It's been a whirlwind of days since my last post.  August went by in a flash!  I am back to school... new principal, new classroom, all day kindergarten, with new kids!  When I last posted, I had a list of Poo2Do.  I was "somewhat" successful in meeting my goals.  I guess I should feel accomplished, in spite of not getting it all done!  Here's what's been making me spin...

Home
1) Meet with a contractor and get some of the house stuff off my plate and onto the plate of someone who can actually complete the projects.  Goals: foyer, dining room ceiling, and bathroom.  Fingers crossed! Yay! Finally!  According to the contractor, the foyer and the bathroom are "easy".  The dining room ceiling? Not so much.  We are on his list of projects to get to before the holidays.  No rush... it's been like this for 20 years... a couple more months isn't going to kill me :) 

2) Upholster window seat - Sadly, not yet.


3) Paint the kitchen Walls are done!! Now I just need to get the Mister to fix the ceiling (Who am I kidding...but we all have to have dreams).

Crafts
1) Frame (and hang!) finished cross stitch project - Who knew finding a 9x22 frame would be so hard??  Looks like I may have to have it framed at the local craft shop.  It'll be pricey, but worth it!

2) Do a "day-a-week" on my newly started 12 Days of Christmas sampler  I LOVE this project.  I have 4 sections done so far.  I have slacked a little since I went back to work, but I am very excited to be "regularly" cross stitching again.

Family
1) Parents' 50th Wedding Anniversary (shopping, food prep, cake, and more!)  Had a great day with family and friends.  It was HOT, but my parents had a lovely time.  It was fabulous to get together with all my cousins and their many kids!

2) Get Girlie ready to move back to the dorm  She's there and loving it.  Just booked a weekend to be at the college for "Parents' Weekend".  Had a super time with her last year... looking forward to going back :)

School
1) Set up my classroom  CLEAN, it's CLEAN.  The art room has successfully been transformed into a kindergarten space.  It took a hazmat suit and a power washer (just kidding, maybe) to make it inhabitable.  I am thrilled with my new space and my kiddos are too :)

2) Organize science materials - No. Just no.  Again.

3) Shop for various back-to-school things that are needed  Done, but there's always more!

4) Finish organizing library center Oh, be still my OCD heart... It is lovely. 

5) Figure out the new schedule and set up planbook  Back into the swing of things... getting used to a completely different pace.

That's it... the good and the bad, the finished and unfinished.  When I get two minutes, I have some pictures I'd like to upload.  AND... I'd love to start blogging with more consistency.  The days fly by and there is so much to do at night. 

Poo-2-Do (An August Bucket List)

I always start to panic at this point in the summer.  How can it already be the beginning of August??  I have many miles to go before I go back to work.  I feel like, while I have been productive and have made the most of my time off, there are still so many things that I need to accomplish.  Summer is my time to get "big things" done.  Those "big things" don't necessarily have to be time consuming or terribly significant, they are things that just get pushed to the back burner when my life is consumed by school.  So... I have 23 days until I go back, just a little over three weeks.  Let's get a plan!!

Home
1) Meet with a contractor and get some of the house stuff off my plate and onto the plate of someone who can actually complete the projects.  Goals: foyer, dining room ceiling, and bathroom.  Fingers crossed!
2) Upholster window seat
3) Paint the kitchen

Crafts
1) Frame (and hang!) finished cross stitch project
2) Do a "day-a-week" on my newly started 12 Days of Christmas sampler

Family
1) Parents' 50th Wedding Anniversary (shopping, food prep, cake, and more!)
2) Get Girlie ready to move back to the dorm

School
1) Set up my classroom
2) Organize science materials
3) Shop for various back-to-school things that are needed
4) Finish organizing library center
5) Figure out the new schedule and set up planbook

I think that's it!  There are still appointments to be kept and plans with friends to work around, but there it all is in a nutshell.  23 days, huh?.... 

Ready? Set? Go....

Silent Sunday July 31, 2016

Five On Friday

Hello, All!  Happy Friday (Again)!  I'm linking up with Amy for the last Five on Friday until September.  I guess that means I'm going to have to make a HUGE effort to post next month (maybe I should set some goals for August?!).  This link up motivates me... even if I don't post during the week, I try really hard to get one done for Friday.  We'll see what next month brings.  I may have actually have things to chat about.  Lots of plans in the works!  Here's my week in review...

1)  Finally spent the whole day at the beach with friends.  Ah... there's nothing better than hanging out, chatting, toes in the sand, watching the kids play in the water, and just soaking up the sun.  Beautifully lazy day with nowhere to be and nothing else to do be enjoy the moments.

Nothing cuter than babies at the beach :)

2)  I've been plugging along on my "quick" cross stitch project.  It really should be done by now, but it's getting there.  I'm making it for my "new" classroom (and really to give myself something to do as I wait for my kids through the seemingly endless doctor, dentist, and other miscellaneous appointments/activities we have throughout the summer.) 

Not much more to do

3)  I finished another book this week...

It was interesting, it held my attention, and I liked how all the various story lines entwined at the end of the book.  A friend also recommended another book by Kimberly McCreight... Reconstructing Amelia.  Looks like another visit to the library is in my future.

4)  Adulting... Ugh.  Every once in a while, I try to get my act together.  This week was packed with things I have been ignoring putting off for far too long.  Home refinancing, comparing insurance quotes, student loan options... Who made me in charge of all this???  One of the "biggies" this week... I bit the bullet and contacted a contractor to give us a quote on some renovation work I'd like to have done.  I am excited about just the possibility of getting a major project off the things-to-do list!

5) Logically, I KNOW that there is still time.  I really am trying to not stress out but the reality is.... summer is ending.  Not summer exactly, but the "vacation" aspect is mostly done.  I met with my new principal this week.  I went to work to introduce myself (and maybe get a glimpse of my room).  She's lovely, but my room?  I have an anxiety attack whenever I think about it.  It's not good.  I'm going in next week to start getting things sorted out... Wish me luck!!  Until then, I'm going to...

Keep Calm and Think about the Beach :)

 Have a wonderful weekend!!