Yeah. Not today.

Ugh.  That's how I'll start.  I don't know if what is going on with me is mental or truly physical.  I have been doing C25K for a few weeks now and I am slowly coming to believe that, with perseverance, it IS possible to get to the end goal.  Until yesterday.  Yesterday, I THINK I felt a twinge in my ankle.  A twinge that freaked me out because I don't want to end up back here.....

 

Ironically, I am in exactly the same place (Week 3, Day 1) as I was approximately a year ago.  I have been telling myself that.... NO, I am fine.  It's not at all like it was then, when I didn't realize what had happened and that all I was doing was making it worse by trying to work through the pain.  But that little twinge from yesterday?  It has me backing WAY off.  A little tiny bit of running today and then I just walked the rest of the loop.  I am frustrated because while I want to push it, I don't want to be stupid about this.  I am leaving for Los Angeles next week and I refuse to be back in that boot for my "vacation".  It is not happening!  

So, panic? Paranoia? Over reaction?  I hope I am just being ridiculous.  I really want this to happen.  I like the feeling of accomplishment and I would like to think this is making me stronger, that last year was just a fluke.  I am thinking I may need to talk to someone with more knowledge... it can't be that I am "overdoing it", yet I am obviously doing something "wrong".  I have been sensible about my pacing (taking it slow), have the right gear as far as shoes are concerned, and have been taking the recommended day off in between runs to allow for recovery.  Medically, everything is in the clear (bone density, over all health, etc.).  Taking a break over the next week.  I'll probably continue walking and/or try swimming.  Definitely need a plan for when I come back from the conference I am attending though.  Again, Ugh.     

Wednesday Weigh In

True story.

       Well, it's been a week ALREADY!  I am happy to say I have lost 3 pounds.  I guess that's good (I know it is, but...it's like losing a deck chair off the Queen Mary).  I have been doing C25K every other day and I don't hate it.  I can't say I'm exactly loving it, but for now, it's doable.  Tomorrow, I will finish Week 2, Day 3.  I am not thinking about the weeks to come... one day at a time, one day at a time.
       I'm trying to be realistic about my approach.  I have been watching what I eat and drinking gallons of water.  It's hard to stay on track with cookouts and sometimes eating out, but in some ways it's easier being home.  I make better choices.  Instead of throwing "whatever" into my lunch bag and then finding other things to eat at work (candy, chips, crackers, etc), I am making healthier choices about breakfast, lunch, and snacks.  So, that's it for now.  Hoping for another good week ahead! :)  

VACATION!!

 

       Vacation is FINALLY here.  It's been a really long school year and I desperately need to recharge my batteries.  I have "big plans" for this summer, and no plans at all.  I'd like to pull my life back from the fringes and start to feel a little more centered.  Yesterday, I set some goals for myself and I am going to "try" to stay true to them. 

       As always, I NEED to lose some weight.  It is easier in summer.  I love the heat.  I love being outside when it's hot. So, I gave myself a pep talk, weighed in, set a target, and strapped on my running shoes.  C25K, here we go again!  I am forcing myself to do this at a reasonable pace.  I am taking a day off in between days, even though today killed me.  I don't want this experience to end like the last time!  I also sat down and thought about what "things" I would like to see happen over the next couple of months.  I definitely need to keep busy.  It is the key to my sanity.  While I acknowledge that I need some down time, a LONG stretch of time with no goals, with nothing to do but wallow, is not a good plan.  So... here are "a few" ideas that have been rattling around in my head...

Summer Bucket List:

1) C25K
2) Los Angeles Trip
3) Get a Tattoo
4) Organize my school world (especially in the area of Science!)
5) Take advantage of some tech training through work
6) Beach Time
7) Get some scrapbooking done
8) Get some cross stitching done
9) Hang with friends and family
10) Get some house "stuff" done
11) Read
12) Fix the template of this Blog! (Ugh!)
13) Blog at least once a week

That's quite a list for a not-so-long time period!  I MAY not get to all of it, but I'm okay with that too.  The first three are what I am really looking forward to... whatever happens after that is all a bonus :)

Holy Hot Mess!

There are times in my life I look around and think "Whose life is this???"  I've been busy....really busy.  This past week was a little crazier than my normal crazy.  In addition to my regularly scheduled program, I also managed to squeeze in: five meetings (2 before work, 3 after), a College Fair with my daughter, mentoring a colleague, dinner out with my brother (totally unplanned, but a nice break!) and the added craziness of being evaluated, conferences, etc.  Anyway, I knew in a "oh, this is going to catch up with me" way, that things would eventually be bad.

While I was out, my house went rogue.  Dishes, laundry, dust, pet hair, stuff laying around.  It was a day of reckoning around here today.  Dishes?  Let's do a head count.  How many people live here?  The answer....4 (well, sometimes 5, if I count my son's best friend).  How is it even POSSIBLE in a house with a dishwasher that Every. Single. glass, plate, and utensil is dirty?  I just don't get it.  

Laundry?  My laundry has laundry.  I don't get that either.  Even if I could run my washer and dryer, straight through, from now until tomorrow night, I would not have it all done within the weekend.  It's been going all day.  I can't even count the number of loads I have done, and yet...still not caught up.  Again.. How many people live here?  4?  Are you sure?

And finally, the dust?  Ugh.  It's been a while.  Let me just say that those dust bunnies aren't too smart.  If they stopped hiding quietly under the beds and in corners and hooked up with the pet hair.... well, let's just say they could have taken over the world.

I've done lots today and I suppose I should feel accomplished, but there is still so much more to do.  Tomorrow is another day.  Right?  I wonder what new things I can find to tackle.  Pretty sure I'm not going to have to look too far.

Sometimes I think I go back to work to rest.

Finally!

I hate when I can't figure something out.  It bugs me.  Alot.  When I "crashed" my blog a couple days ago it was KILLING me that I couldn't figure it all out.  I have a slight smile on my face right now because I finally figured out the Blog List portion of my "rebuild".  (A couple of downloads here, some tweaking there and Voila!) 

So in summary... it's still not perfect.  I may try again at reconfiguring the template.  But...a certain peace has come to my land knowing that my "stuff" is all back where it should be (at least for me). 

Again.... first world problem.  Silliness, really. 

Relax, girl. Relax.

Blogger Angst

     UGH!!  I was messing around where I should not have and I deleted my blog template.  Of course it wasn't backed up.  Of course I can't find it again.  And now?  Now I am supremely annoyed.  I can't get my blog list to post on the blog.  The followers button is no longer available, apparently one must convert to Google+.  I don't want to convert to Google+.  I am thankful others have had similar problems, because I have been able to google some answers.  Google and I....we have a love/hate relationship right now!
     I liked the way my blog looked.  I was TRYING to find out why the header was no longer appearing.  Really?  I have spent the better part of the past two nights looking for a new template that I like.  This one is not perfect but I am giving up on it for now.  I know this is a first world problem, but could I please catch a break???

** Changed the template again (just can't leave it alone!)  Followers are back, but still no blog list!**

"Too Bad, So Sad"

     Time is revealing that grief is not the linear path that I once thought it was.  In some ways, it is very much like a roller coaster; it has its highs and lows, sudden jerks and stops.  In other ways, it is like the waves of the ocean; receding and then sometimes gently rolling back into shore or returning like a tidal wave.  There are moments where I think to myself "I got this", where I am beginning to feel the peace of acceptance.  Then there are moments where there is no peace.  There is a spiraling down to the place of "how can?"  How can she be gone?  The place of selfishness.  How can/do I move on?  So much of me was tied up in her.  OUR interests, OUR family ties, OUR friendship.  It is tough to move on to be alone, with just me.  I have friends, one in particular, who are there, but it is not the same.  The silliness in life is gone and I miss that.

     I'm in a strange place.  I still feel like I am not anchored, that I am drifting along, going through the motions to get through each day.  When I lost my best friend I became detached from the things in my life that she shared with me.  I don't know how to get reconnected to those things.  When I think about those things and why I was involved in them, I didn't do them for her, I did them because I wanted to, but it was definitely more motivating and interesting to have a "partner in crime".  Now, things hold a kind of removed, distant interest for me.  Running, scrapbooking, nail art/polish, movies, tv shows, music, all the trivial "stuff" in life is just blah/flat.  I'm trying to get around it and over it, but I can honestly say that I am stuck and it is frustrating.

     One of the "stages of grief" is anger.  I'm mad, but not at her, at myself.  I need to snap out of it.  It is what it is... it's time to reclaim myself in all this.   I was recently asked how "things" are going and my response was "I want my life back".  This is where the two year old temper tantrum/whining comes in....  I don't want to make new friends, I don't want to work at things I used to enjoy, I don't want to feel this way anymore.

And then, there is a voice inside of me that answers back.... Too bad, so sad, but you don't always get what you want.