Happy Birthday

This isn't going to be a long post.  I just don't have it in me.  As I have thought about how to honor your memory, words escape me.  While you are not here....you are in my every thought....

Happy Birthday, my friend.  I love you.

Merry Christmas?

It's late.  My family has gone to bed and I sit here, reflecting on the day, the year, and all that has come to pass.  It has been a tough couple of months.  The days ahead are going to bring it all back.  I knew that.  I know this.  The weekends are always the hardest.  The frantic pace of day to day life eases and there are times allowed for thoughts and feeling to grow like weeds through a crack.

I love my family but we are re-hashers.  We talk, a lot.  We go over things again and again as a way to make sense, to understand, to bring things into the light from other perspectives.  That being said, I had anticipated being with family, talking about the pain, giving voice to what remains unsaid during day to day life, was going to be another hurdle, another challenge, a day of truly just going through the motions to come out on the other side..hopefully still standing.  Well, I am here.  I survived. 

Tomorrow will be another day filled with reminders of what has been lost.  Hopefully, it will also bring a renewed hope that we will get through this together.  Life is for the living.


Merry Christmas, my friend.  I love you.     

Today

                    

Today was brutal.  Don't get me wrong, there have been many days that have brought me to my knees, but today....wow.  Today closes a door that should have never been opened.  We went through all of the things left from your life.  Decorations, albums, photos, memorabilia...


Again...I can't.  The words just aren't there.

Most days I get through without this devastating sense of loss.  Most days I try to push it away; to not wallow in the grief of it all.  Most days, I guess, I try to live in denial.  It's what's been getting me through.  Most days are so hectic that there is no time to stop and reflect on anything.

Today was different.  While there is some sense of closure... this, in some ways, was indeed the final act.  The material things have all been gone through; we have chosen what we think your daughter will cherish in the future, and decided what needs to go where.  It is done, but for a small part, it is over.  Honestly, it has shredded me, yet again. 

You left behind an amazing legacy...  One that answers some of the questions your daughter may have in the future:  A baby book that has been entirely filled out, scrapbooks that document the love you had for your daughter's father, your life in pictures and written word that only you could convey.  It's all there.

While tragic, thank God it is there.  It is all that is left.

It was hard, some of the choices we made.  Who's to say that what has been saved is "enough" or "too much"?  We can't bring you back, nor should we create a shrine in your honor.  Your possessions do not define the person that you were, yet it's all we have.  My hope is that your daughter will find joy in what we have valued for her and not burdened by the memories we have saved.  There is no handbook for this one.  

I love and miss you, my friend, still...and more than you would ever believe possible.

Tired and Mad

 

Today... well, I got through it.  It is irrational, this anger.  This hatred.  This... I am pissed off at the world.  I hate facebook.  That is my focus right now.  I hate seeing "him", the would have been ex husband, playing the grieving widower.  Who is he?  He is no one.  No one I want to be associated with, no one I want to talk to ever again, certainly no one who should be grieving this loss like he has lost everything.  Everything was already gone.  He did not have her anymore, and he knew it.  He pushed her away, said awful, hurtful things, pushed and pushed until she finally broke and then, when he saw that she was lost to him, he wanted it all back.  He is the reason she was there.. in the road...  irrational, I know.  She could have been there for any reason...a run, walking the dog... but that is not what happened.  Ultimately, he wanted her to go for a walk, "to talk".  And now... she is gone.  To all of us.

Seeing his posts...the love fest that follows with every picture he posts... "you were soul mates", "don't give up, she would have wanted you to be strong", "love you, hang on, you can get through this"... makes me want to SCREAM.  I am going to refuse to hate him.  I am angry...that is different than hate.  Right?  I don't want him to have that power over my life.  I want him to go away, leave me and my family alone.  We know the farce, the insincerity of it all.  It is an act.  Said in simple terms...go, just go.

It is swallowing me whole tonight.  I can't reason it out.  It is senseless and still seems so surreal.  I have to keep reminding myself that she really is gone.  How is it possible?  thirty-five years old, a life time of happiness ahead, a daughter to raise, so much to live for... just gone.  I still "can't".  I'm not there yet. 


I love you my friend, but you have left behind a terrible mess.    

Silence

I think the silence is the hardest part right now.  It takes my breath away when I go to call you or think to myself “I have to tell Kerri this/that”.  I can be surrounded by people in a room, people who love and miss you too, and feel like I am the only one there.  All that talking going on around me, but there is still a silence because I can't hear you. 

That phone that kept me so connected to you… silent…even though it has not stopped ringing.  It catches me off guard…how can it not be you?  There is just this empty void that no one else can fill.  

Silly things raise tiny glimmers of hope that this just can't be happening.  I see your picture in the chat section of Facebook and I look to see if that little green dot is next to your name to let me know that you are there, available to chat.  No dot…still the silence continues.

The moments that I “forget” and talk about you like you are here or when someone says your name and I look up, expecting to see you, are some of the most difficult to breathe through.  That is when the silence becomes deafening.  It crashes down, overwhelming me with the harsh reality that you are gone.

I have so much inside, the pain is too great.  You were the one who would have shared this with me.  We would have looked for the light in the dark and found a way through it, together.      

I love you, my friend.  This is hard.

Words

Two days ago, my whole world changed, and not for the better.  You know, in a surreal way, that you can get that phone call at any time.  And in that moment, time stops.  You hear the words...“There’s been an accident”.  The frantic ride to the hospital, the disbelief, then time stops again… “She didn’t make it”.  

How?  How can this be?  I feel like I have shattered into a million pieces.  My beautiful, talented, best friend in the whole wide world (cousins by birth, friends by choice) is gone.  I just keep saying “I can’t."  I can’t breathe sometimes.  I can’t wrap my head around where I am, where she is not.  I can't believe this is happening.  I can’t do THIS. 

This is smothering me, the weight of it.  I want to run; literally and figuratively, but there is nowhere to go to get away from “here”.  It is raw, this grief.  There are words are inside me, struggling to form, because I need a way to name it, to describe it, to give how I feel a voice so that I can let it out.  Right now the words are just screams inside  me, tearing at what is left.

I love you, my friend.  Peace.    

August Week 3 - #FMSphotoaday

It's hard to believe how fast time is flying by!  Kindergarten Orientation was yesterday...so the new school year has "officially" begun!  A quick ankle update... I do have a stress fracture.  It's a huge bummer, since I am now sporting a very stylish "boot" that I will have to wear for the next six weeks (at least!).  So, no C25K for a while.  I'm hoping that this heals sooner, rather than later.  It's not going to easy going back to work, but I'm going to try! 

Wednesday ended week three of FMS's photo a day challenge.  And it has been challenging!  Since I am not really able to get out and about, most of my shots have been taken around the house.  Not very exciting, but doing the best I can :)

 Day 18 - Someone I spoke to today (my lovely daughter!)   Day 16 - Cooking (cheeseburger pie)

Day 19 - Lost (lost willpower!)   Day 15 - The Best (best idea I had all day)   Day 17 - Exercise

Day 21 - Slow (this has certainly slowed Me down!)   Day 20 - Stairs