Blogger Angst

     UGH!!  I was messing around where I should not have and I deleted my blog template.  Of course it wasn't backed up.  Of course I can't find it again.  And now?  Now I am supremely annoyed.  I can't get my blog list to post on the blog.  The followers button is no longer available, apparently one must convert to Google+.  I don't want to convert to Google+.  I am thankful others have had similar problems, because I have been able to google some answers.  Google and I....we have a love/hate relationship right now!
     I liked the way my blog looked.  I was TRYING to find out why the header was no longer appearing.  Really?  I have spent the better part of the past two nights looking for a new template that I like.  This one is not perfect but I am giving up on it for now.  I know this is a first world problem, but could I please catch a break???

** Changed the template again (just can't leave it alone!)  Followers are back, but still no blog list!**

"Too Bad, So Sad"

     Time is revealing that grief is not the linear path that I once thought it was.  In some ways, it is very much like a roller coaster; it has its highs and lows, sudden jerks and stops.  In other ways, it is like the waves of the ocean; receding and then sometimes gently rolling back into shore or returning like a tidal wave.  There are moments where I think to myself "I got this", where I am beginning to feel the peace of acceptance.  Then there are moments where there is no peace.  There is a spiraling down to the place of "how can?"  How can she be gone?  The place of selfishness.  How can/do I move on?  So much of me was tied up in her.  OUR interests, OUR family ties, OUR friendship.  It is tough to move on to be alone, with just me.  I have friends, one in particular, who are there, but it is not the same.  The silliness in life is gone and I miss that.

     I'm in a strange place.  I still feel like I am not anchored, that I am drifting along, going through the motions to get through each day.  When I lost my best friend I became detached from the things in my life that she shared with me.  I don't know how to get reconnected to those things.  When I think about those things and why I was involved in them, I didn't do them for her, I did them because I wanted to, but it was definitely more motivating and interesting to have a "partner in crime".  Now, things hold a kind of removed, distant interest for me.  Running, scrapbooking, nail art/polish, movies, tv shows, music, all the trivial "stuff" in life is just blah/flat.  I'm trying to get around it and over it, but I can honestly say that I am stuck and it is frustrating.

     One of the "stages of grief" is anger.  I'm mad, but not at her, at myself.  I need to snap out of it.  It is what it is... it's time to reclaim myself in all this.   I was recently asked how "things" are going and my response was "I want my life back".  This is where the two year old temper tantrum/whining comes in....  I don't want to make new friends, I don't want to work at things I used to enjoy, I don't want to feel this way anymore.

And then, there is a voice inside of me that answers back.... Too bad, so sad, but you don't always get what you want.

Let's Try This Again

So, I apparently I am destined to make the same mistakes over and over (and over!) again.  My weight has yo-yoed up and down pretty significantly over the past few years.  I have definitely been on an upswing for quite a while now.  I am climbing (very slowly, kicking and screaming) back onto the "I have to lose weight" bandwagon. Tomorrow the "diet" begins..  I start again tomorrow.   

See that number up there?  That number up there that is hidden?  Yeah, me neither....I don't even know what it is.  I can't face it, YET.  But tomorrow morning... oh, tomorrow morning is going to be bad.  I kinda, sorta know how bad "bad" is going to be, but once I look at the real numbers, the reality slap is going to be painful.

My plan?  I guess it's a pretty simple one.  My treadmill FINALLY (hopefully!) arrives tomorrow.  It should be here when I get home from work.  The plan is to USE IT.  Everyday.  Even if it's just for a short time.  Then there's the eating part.  Welcome back Body for Life for Women.  I can't say I love doing the program (after all, if I loved it, I would have stayed on it after I lost weight "last time"), but I don't hate it.  The eating part is not the issue.  The recommended food is what we normally eat, just eaten in a different way.  It's the work involved with getting everything ready to eat that kills me.  I am lazy about breakfasts and lunches.  Whatever I can throw in my bag on the way out the door is what I eat when I am at work.  Sometimes Rarely is it healthy and conducive to weight lose.  So today, in preparation for my big Life Style Change, I have readied an entire week's worth of breakfasts and lunches.  Yay!  Go Me!! 

I'm hoping that will help.  We'll see.  If not.... Omar had better start makes bigger tents.  I'm going to need one.

Happy New Year

I don't usually makes resolutions... but this year I want to make some changes.  So, I am writing them down as a way to hold myself accountable.

1)  First, I want to "choose joy".  Not in a spiritual way, but as a way to look at life through a lens of happiness and well being.  I want to seek ways to bring peace and contentment into my life.  I want to focus on the good and the positive.   

2)  While my "emotional/mental self" is first on this list, my physical self is next.  It is time to stop wishing for better health, less weight, more stamina... I have the tools in my life to change the numbers on the scale, it's time to make a commitment to a healthier lifestyle.

3) It's time to get rid of "stuff".  We have too much.  That's all there is to it.  In its own way, it speaks of a fortunate lifestyle.  BUT... it is out of control.  I don't need "all of this" and, quite honesty, it has become somewhat of a burden.  Salvation Army and consignment shops BEWARE...it's all coming your way! 

Happy Birthday

This isn't going to be a long post.  I just don't have it in me.  As I have thought about how to honor your memory, words escape me.  While you are not here....you are in my every thought....

Happy Birthday, my friend.  I love you.

Merry Christmas?

It's late.  My family has gone to bed and I sit here, reflecting on the day, the year, and all that has come to pass.  It has been a tough couple of months.  The days ahead are going to bring it all back.  I knew that.  I know this.  The weekends are always the hardest.  The frantic pace of day to day life eases and there are times allowed for thoughts and feeling to grow like weeds through a crack.

I love my family but we are re-hashers.  We talk, a lot.  We go over things again and again as a way to make sense, to understand, to bring things into the light from other perspectives.  That being said, I had anticipated being with family, talking about the pain, giving voice to what remains unsaid during day to day life, was going to be another hurdle, another challenge, a day of truly just going through the motions to come out on the other side..hopefully still standing.  Well, I am here.  I survived. 

Tomorrow will be another day filled with reminders of what has been lost.  Hopefully, it will also bring a renewed hope that we will get through this together.  Life is for the living.


Merry Christmas, my friend.  I love you.     

Today

                    

Today was brutal.  Don't get me wrong, there have been many days that have brought me to my knees, but today....wow.  Today closes a door that should have never been opened.  We went through all of the things left from your life.  Decorations, albums, photos, memorabilia...


Again...I can't.  The words just aren't there.

Most days I get through without this devastating sense of loss.  Most days I try to push it away; to not wallow in the grief of it all.  Most days, I guess, I try to live in denial.  It's what's been getting me through.  Most days are so hectic that there is no time to stop and reflect on anything.

Today was different.  While there is some sense of closure... this, in some ways, was indeed the final act.  The material things have all been gone through; we have chosen what we think your daughter will cherish in the future, and decided what needs to go where.  It is done, but for a small part, it is over.  Honestly, it has shredded me, yet again. 

You left behind an amazing legacy...  One that answers some of the questions your daughter may have in the future:  A baby book that has been entirely filled out, scrapbooks that document the love you had for your daughter's father, your life in pictures and written word that only you could convey.  It's all there.

While tragic, thank God it is there.  It is all that is left.

It was hard, some of the choices we made.  Who's to say that what has been saved is "enough" or "too much"?  We can't bring you back, nor should we create a shrine in your honor.  Your possessions do not define the person that you were, yet it's all we have.  My hope is that your daughter will find joy in what we have valued for her and not burdened by the memories we have saved.  There is no handbook for this one.  

I love and miss you, my friend, still...and more than you would ever believe possible.